Saturday, January 23, 2010

Change Sell

Back when I was a kid, working at a movie theatre with my friend Bruno, Bruno and I had a pretty good game we played with customers called Change Sell. At the theatre we were encouraged to upsell products to make more profit. I feel like I don't even have to explain this to you. You know what goes on.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like a large-o? Need some candy to throw in with your corn? OH, you haven't TRIED that?!"

It's a big drag. I can't believe I ever had serious conversations about the morality of upselling. People in Detroit need to do more yoga. Then maybe they'd realize that it doesn't matter. Who cares? Do it. Don't do it. Just stop having your period all over me. I don't care how great of a salesperson you are. No one is making anyone do anything here.

Change Sell was a game invented to celebrate this dance of futility. The idea was to offer alternate products of exactly the same price.
"Oh, goobers? You know, for the exact same amount of money you could have CARMEL CORN! Large soda? How about a medium popcorn instead? Listen, you're just eating because you're thirsty. I see this all the time. Get two bottled waters and an ice cream sandwich instead of all this other crap."
Crap for crap was the name of the game.
"None of it is good for you. But you could have this and THIS is different! THIS is probably what you REALLY wanted!"

Change Sell has followed me as a great game for many situations. Think I want a boyfriend? Get a new job! Kind of want a dachshund? Call the suicide hotline! Broke? GET A BRAND NEW PRACTICE SPACE.

I am hemorrhaging money and I've never been happier. I will pick my teeth with the bones of your dead because I love life. Also, because I love recycling. Ask anyone, I fucking SORT IT.


Cari said...

I'm going to print out 200 copies of this and sleep in them until 2011.

H. Smith said...

I desired liberty, for liberty I gasped; for liberty I uttered a prayer; it seemed scattered on the wind then faintly blowing. I abandoned it and framed a humbler supplication; for change, stimulus; that petition, too, seemed swept off into vague space; "Then," I cried, half desperate, "Grant me at least a new servitude."

PK SMITH said...

people in detroit do NOT need to do more yoga.
yoga is for rich people's dogs, i read about it in THE NEW YORK TIMES!